Best Served Cold

Deacon has two very pampered cats, Frisky and Fatty. He didn't want to deal with the soiled litter issue, so he bought them a Litter-Robot which is an automatic self-cleaning litter box. It's an enclosed dome-like structure that has a large waste drawer; the only thing Deacon does is change a bag every few days. No poop ever touches his hands.

Except the day it broke. While waiting for the replacement part, Deacon had put a kitchen plastic bag inside a cardboard box, filled it with litter and introduced the kitties to their new "bathroom." They hated it --and us-- and really, REALLY, used it. Just to show us that they were willing to play...er...dirty until they got back their private and very high tech facility. Deacon would pretend that he couldn't see the mess, but it was see-able as well as smell-able so I took on the job of cleaning out the box. God, it was messy and no matter how many times I cleaned it out, the cats would go as soon as fresh litter filled the box. They looked at me as if saying, "See? We will make BIG messes as a protest against this pedestrian potty."

So, yesterday, before I left for work, I had to clean the box again. I could swear that Frisky and Fatty were sneering at me as they ate breakfast.

Of course, I was running 23 minutes behind schedule. Once I reached the building, I saw that the front door was decorated with decals of black cats. I knew that in honor of Friday, the 13th, Joanie was bringing a special treat to the office for us to share. At least I had that to look forward to before the patients would arrive. So I entered the office and Joanie, Liz, and the doctors were waiting for me. The treat? Well, it looked like a kitty litter box--a well-used kitty litter box--placed on the entertainment section of the newspaper.

JOANIE: SURPRISE! Like it?
ALICE: Uh. Uh. Uh.
LIZ: Isn't it great ? It's a kitty litter cake!
ALICE: Yes. Yes it is, isn't it?
DR. #1: It's really delicious.
DR.#2: Never mind what it looks like, you'll enjoy it.
ALICE: It looks like...poop...lots of poop.
JOANIE *laughing delightedly*: Yeah! I really tried to make it look like the real thing. See? This here is German chocolate cake mixed with white cake and vanilla pudding. That over there are vanilla sandwich cookies, some mixed with green food coloring. And THOSE are melted tootsie rolls. Here try it.

She picked up a serving with a real pooper scooper, managing to get the tootsie roll turd that was hanging over the edge of the litter pan. I took the plate from her and stared at the concoction. I could see green specks embedded in the shit...er...tootsie roll.

I. Just. Couldn't.

ALICE: Uh. I think I'll pass on this...um...dessert.
JOANIE: What? You don't want any?
ALICE: NO! I mean... no thanks. As it turns out, I already had some this morning.