A Xmas Tale

Several days ago, Alice was browsing in a Gap store in the Eastern Shore. Holiday music was playing, shoppers were waiting in line to pay for discounted items, and several store employees were standing near the door looking out at something and ignoring the customers. Alice joined the group at the door and looked and saw nothing particularly interesting. She was standing near a male Gapster who was rather – how to explain – oh, yes, rather flamboyant, and asked him what was up.

FLAMBOYANT GAPSTER: Oh, sweetie, wait for it. It’s hilarious! Wait! Here he comes!

A short rotund man, with a look of George Costanza on Seinfield but attired as Santa Claus, opened the door and began screaming HO HO HOs. He was accompanied by two young females who were wearing outfits that called to mind army nurse corps olive drab uniform, circa 1943.

How cute. Christmas and Halloween on a date.

The women stood next to Santa George, stoic and unsmiling. Santa, however, was screaming and laughing. He walked over to a woman who was probably in her 80s.

SANTA: WELL! WERE YOU A GOOD LITTLE GIRL THIS YEAR?

“No,” she said. “I was really very bad. And I don’t care!”

SANTA: EXCELLENT!

FLAMBOYANT GAPSTER: He cracks me up! He was here this morning and he just doesn’t listen to what anybody says. He just screams and doesn’t even hand out a stupid candy cane or nothing. Then he goes to the other stores. He’ll come back before closing time and I think that I'll tackle him to the ground! That’ll be funny, right?

ALICE: Uh, no, not really.

FLAMBOYANT GAPSTER: Unless he gives me a present. Then I won’t hurt him.

Alice thought of what kind of present Santa George would hand over.





FLAMBOYANT GAPSTER: I just know what you’re thinking! But if that happens, I’ll just ask my dad to get me everything on my list and I’ll use the coal to do something really cool.




FLAMBOYANT GAPSTER: So, whadda think, huh?

ALICE: That's great, actually. You know. When life hands you lemons...yada, yada.

FLAMBOYANT GAPSTER: Lemons? Nah, you don't get it, dude, do you? Santa's not gonna give me lemons, he. . .

ALICE: Never mind.